Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Hit bottom...tabloid disaster...

Oh God…I am a terrible mom…or woman…or person…or advocate. For real. I gave in to a guilty pleasure that’s part of my disease these last few weeks and have bought exactly 3 tabloids. This started with the Royal Wedding. Don’t ask me why…it just did. Makes no sense, but that’s what triggered it and it spiraled. Anyways, my 6 year old daughter and her 7 year old friend have picked up those tabloids and are looking through them right now. I’m devastated. My heart is heavy. Thank GOD, I have the tabloid about the one with the eating disorders hidden under my computer right now and YES because I am trying to hide it from them…partially because the tabloids display eating disorders only as anorexics….not as people with average weight struggling just as bad or the obese in as much pain and agony as those with bones strutting out of their hips but because these are the pictures on the front page with the word EATING DISORDER thrown across the front page in large letters. My daughter knows I go to EATING DISORDER anonymous meetings. She sees the word EATING DISORDER all over my house as I’m a patient of the Emily Program in Mpls/St. Paul for EATING DISORDERS. She’ll recognize the word on the magazine. She just graduated kindergarten and knows only so many words. It’s the reason I double folded the magazine when I took it to the park this morning when I took the girls there. I didn’t want my daughter to see those words. I’m not particularly afraid to talk to her about it, but I am NOT going to introduce this world to another little girl. Which I think I just did. By having these magazines in my own household. Enclosed in my own disease. God. I just hit bottom with this. I’m learned my lesson that I thought I had learned earlier….I promise that I am not buying anymore magazines.

I’m waiting and watching while I write this to “hear” something body image wise. I’ve hear girlie things such as, “look at this dress” or “this is so pretty”. Alright…just heard it. Apparently to a 6 year old, Kim Kardaishian is hot, while one sister is not is one is okay. I asked what makes her hot? She said, I don’t know, but she’s hot. Her 7 year old friend reminded me that my daughter is talking about the girl in the magazine is not talking about “heat as in hot” but “as in pretty”. Thank you for that information. That innocence makes me very sad that I’m contributing and exposing this world to her. To them. I’m sad at myself for backtracking with my eating disorder just “a little tiny bit”. Didn’t think it was going to hurt anyone. I don’t know what or who I could be hurting, but I know one thing for sure. There WILL be NO more magazines allowed in this  household as of tonight. When the girls go to bed, I will throw out all m y magazines and vow to the love of my daughter not to bring another one into this house again. This was a hard lesson learned. I just learned how to be responsible through my own pain. Damn. You know….I just learned the basics again…backtracking JUST A LITTLE TINY BIT gets me into a LOT of trouble. OKAY. GOT IT. I do…..I do.


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